There are a few times in my life where I have really sensed God's heart for me. One of those times came this past weekend. While it's shocking when God reveals certain things to you, it certainly is a joy and honor to walk through it with Him.
There have been many conversations with friends in the past few weeks/months about relationships, family, etc. I have come away each time feeling a bit of unease with some of the conversations and our apparent focus on certain things. Some of the guys in our group are good at not objectifying women and some are not so good... I know men are, by nature, more visually inclined than females, so part of this makes sense to me. What was most disturbing last week as we talked was a particularly lengthy discussion on one young woman's looks. Not once was her character or her personality mentioned (and this happens quite frequently in the discussions with varying ladies). So all I knew at the end of the 10 minutes was that she was "really, really good looking". I could assume a few things, like that she is compassionate - her profession was mentioned, so that is how I could conclude that.
I guess part of me is saddened by that for many reasons. Mostly because it seems even today, even among Christians, the true emphasis is on looks. I might be wrong, but that is what I could conclude.
Anyway, that was a side note.
After a wonderful BBQ meal and a peaceful night listening to the rain fall and watching the drops hit the pond, I was riding home with a very unfortunate male friend of mine (you will find out why I say unfortunate very soon) when all of the sudden, I had a moment of breaking. Through some discussions throughout the night and the preceding nights, I came to realize that I will never have a man be afraid to ask for my hand in marriage (because I don't have an earthly father around) and that I have missed that presence in my life. I also realized that when my friends say how strong I am and I'll need a very strong man to marry me, it makes me sad. And I couldn't quite figure out why. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my Heavenly Father and am beyond happy that I get to know Him. What is tough, however, is that not only did I not have a father for most of my life, the few years I did know my father were very hard ones. Ones that looking back now, I can weep for that little girl who simply longed for someone to love her like a daddy should. I remember so many times feeling that who God made me were the very things my earthly father hated me for. I was born strong. My mom claims she knew when I was born that I would be the spiritual one. That makes sense why my dad hated me then... You see, my father was involved in some horrible things. Things that even if I knew all of it, would make my blood boil. Things that would terrify even the worst of people. Growing up, though, I always, always knew God loved me. He walked so amazingly with me. I love Him for all that He has been and all that He has allowed me to survive. I can truly say that I know my Savior and I love Him with all of my heart.
So now to the part of my unfortunate friend. Guys are not big fans of women crying, as far as I am aware :). We were driving down the highway in the rain and he was talking about being afraid of certain men (as in asking for hands in marriage), how strong my husband will have to be, etc. when I just broke. I started crying. Pretty softly at first, as I bit my lip praying I could stop. I didn't want to cry in front of this friend. It didn't stop. It continued like a train on a hill that couldn't slow down. It's one thing to let my friends see my heart for ministry and another entirely to let them see my vulnerability personally. I'm not sure if he saw me crying or if it was my rare silence (trying not to talk for fear he would hear my voice crack) and he asked if I was okay. I decided to be honest with him (poor guy) and just let it all out, well as much as I could figure out at that point. He ran into a store to get something and I sat in the car listening to the rain and reading my Bible, trying desparately to focus on something other than myself to stop the crying. Didn't work, but God continued to minister. As we drove to my house, the crying and talking continued. When we reached my house, my friend told me to talk it out. But I couldn't. I simply could not quite figure out why I was so upset, but knew I needed to find out. My friend prayed for me and I went inside, where I wept.
I also read. And continued the weeping. I have been reading a book by Beth Moore called Breaking Free. What a powerful tool God has used for my life. The part of the book I happened to be in was discussing how God feels about people who victimize children and how He deals with them. It also talked about broken families, generational bondage, etc. I read it and was amazed at what I saw. I fell asleep that night crying. I awoke the next morning crying as well. I wonder if it's possible to cry while you're sleeping. If so, I think I must have. I turned to the chapters in the book called Hearts Broken in Childhood, Hearts Mended by Truth, Hearts Broken by Betrayal, and Hearts Broken by Loss. Talk about perfect timing. I guess God's pretty good at that! I thought, what would happen if I tried to find my dad? Should I call him? I came pretty close, except I had a few people who know the situation very well tell me why I shouldn't call him (knowing my life would actually, literally be in danger, and reminding me that the last words my dad uttered to me were, "I will kill you if I ever find you") and thus decided calling him would be a bad idea. Have you ever had things happen in your life when you just want answers? You just want to know why? How? And you want to believe that person is different?
Instead, I wept and cried out to God. The deep kind of weeping that comes from so far within you that you didn't even know those places existed. I decided to stay home from church and push through it. I pushed and I prayed and I cried out. I did stop crying briefly, only to start again when another unfortunate guy friend called and I shared with him. One thing I have noticed in my life is that I live under a cloud of shame for my family. Thinking that no one good will possibly love me because of where I have come from. I peeled off layer after layer of hurt, pain, rejection, and abuse. I had to come to grips (again) with the fact that there is a person or persons out there who would rather I be dead. Isn't it great that God, the ultimate protector has my back?
So here's what I came up with after the layers were peeled back:
I have to deal with the pain of knowing a dad who didn't love me. The cure? God, the Heavenly Father's undying, unconditional, amazing love.
I have to deal with the pain of being hated for who God made me. The cure? God, in His infinite wisdom has made me just right for His plans.
I have to accept the fact that I will never have an earthly father and that's okay.
I have to accept the fact that I will not have a dad to scare off men (even though I think I'm good at that myself, thank you very much). All jokes aside, though, I must learn to trust God more in that area. I think if anyone can be scary where a daughter is concerned, it's God. Yes!
I have to grow through the pain of a childhood lost and dreams that were never dreamed. The fact is, that God has given me dreams that amaze me. Dreams that might never have come true if not for His grace. I am living a life better than any dream I could have come up with.
I have to let go of shame. It's not my fault that people in my life treated me badly or have done bad things. One of my friends told me that the man I end up marrying is not marrying my family, they are marrying me. Thus banishing another lie I've heard from men in my past...
I have to allow God to continue to heal me. I have to continually learn to banish the words (lies) that have been spoken over me, telling me I'm not good enough, my family is too horrible, I'm too ugly.
I get to fulfill (someday) the dream of reconciling generations to come in my family so that the bondage and sin that have continually been an issue in my family can be broken. The cycle of abuse and hatred and horrifying sin stops here. My children and my children's children will be different. They will be generations who love and serve Jesus. I sense this is a huge call God has on my life.
I have to accept the fact that I may never know what my dad is like now. Or tomorrow. Or next week. I have to let go of wanting to know all the answers and accept that for now, the only answer I have to anything is found in the great I AM.
I get to believe the experiences in my past, both things done to me and things I've done, do not dictate who I am. They are a part of my life, but my real worth comes from Jesus.
I get to trust God more.
I get to be open and honest and vulnerable with people (the first steps were on Saturday and Sunday with Luke and Josh and last night with Rosemary) and this is another step.
I get to thank God even more for the incredibly strong and loving mom He gave me. I will never know the fear she had to go through to protect us. I will never know the pain she must have felt. I am so grateful that God gave me to her and her to me. We see things differently so often, but I don't doubt her great love for me.
I get to thank God for a sister who walked through all of this with me (and much worse) and that we can have that one other person who knows what we went through completely. I thank God for how well she took care of me. I pray she will someday get back the parts of her life that were snatched from her.
I thank God for those He has brought into my life to protect, cheer, weep and just be there. There is one family who has meant more to me in this area than they'll ever know. Thank you for giving me new hope all those years ago. I think you know who you are... God used you to save my life in many ways and I will forever be grateful for you.
God, help me to heal completely for YOUR glory. Help me so that I can love You more and be more useful to You.
Thanks too, to God for the incredible men He has placed in my life. Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulders. And for being such a wonderful picture of what a godly man is (don't worry, I don't think you're all perfect :)). I thank God that I can see it in you all even if I didn't get to see it when I was young. You will never know what your words and your prayers have meant to me. God breathed life to me through you (Luke and Josh, really, I thank you.)
God is healing that which was broken all those years ago. He is truly giving me a heart of flesh instead of one of stone with all of my self-made walls. I don't doubt there will be more tears, more growth, and more crying out to God in the coming weeks and months, but in the end, when I can continue to stand victorious in Christ, that is and will continue to be... Simply awesome.
2. Luke can build a fire that doesn't seem to burn out...
(Luke's great fire and Josh's protection - note the umbrella)
